‘The Bachelor’ Recap: First kisses, abandoned islands, and so much yelling

Week 5 sends the love seekers to Thailand, and everyone loses their minds.

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

WELCOME TO THAILAND! Colton and the ladies have moved from Singapore to Thailand this week, and we got our first super-extended shower scene.

This place is GORGEOUS. Onyeka likes the vibe “a lot better” because it’s by a beautiful beach and not just in crummy Singapore. Yuck, who likes stunning Singapore, amirite? Right out the gate, we get a date card, and it’s a one-on-one with Heather, who has never been kissed. She’s only kind of excited:

She is super nervous, assuming she’s going to get her first kiss, which, come on girl, slow down. Your first kiss is a big deal, sure, but you are putting WAY too much pressure on it. It’s clear it’s all she could think about, and their conversation suffered as a result. Well, that’s what I’m going with, seeing as this happened at one point.

Colton: Those rocks...

Heather: Mhmm.

Colton: ...the greenery.

Heather: Yeah.

GRIPPING, STUFF, Y’ALL. After having a nice dinner, the duo chats about her dating history (more on that later), he gives her the rose, and they walk to the beach for fireworks and more unbelievably awkward chatter.

Meanwhile, Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G., Katie, and Elyse were called for the group date, leaving Elyse devastated. Sure, you want to go on dates, but sweetie, you already had a one-on-one. He’s not lapping the girls when SWEET, SWEET CASSIE HASN’T BEEN ON A ONE-ON-ONE.

Elyse ends up visiting Colton’s cabana, reaching a breaking point with sharing her man and decides to go home. Apparently, she’s never seen this show?

Vlogger Colton made a triumphant return this week, and make sure to swipe up to get 15 percent off that peach tank with code COLTON15. (Please don’t swipe, it’s not real.)

The now-10 group date ladies (down Elyse), head into the Thai jungle in an open-air jeep. They hike farther into the jungle and meet up with Joe, who is there to teach them to survive and thrive. Joe shows them where to find water, they eat some banana shoots, and it pours rain.

During the evening portion, we get some Onyeka-Nicole drama and Hannah B. gets the group date rose after she tells him that she’s, “falling in love with him.” (Ooooh, too soon girl.)

But whatever about all that because IT’S TIME FOR CASSIE’S DATE!!! Just stop the show right now, and let them get married. She obviously gets the rose on the date, because of course, they’re perfect together.

The cocktail party is basically just straight drama, but not even fun, exciting drama like Demi vs. Courtney. The Onyeka-Nicole beef that has been building reaches a boiling point with the pair yelling at each other. Colton excuses himself to get out of the awkward, and we don’t even get a rose ceremony. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Here are Week 5’s highlights:

Worst Greeting Move: The jumping leg wrap

This is the Bachelor hill I will die on. Why is this a thing? Do people actually do this in real life? I have never seen this happen in real life.

Luckily, my girl Cassie knows this isn’t the move.

Most Unexplained Injury: Kirpa

Uh, what happened? I split my chin open in college when we had to do a wheelbarrow race inside a gym for an NROTC workout (it was raining and we improvised). My hand slipped and I had to get five stitches in my chin. I’m gonna guess that’s what happened here, too.

Most Mind Blowing Dating History: Heather

This might be a bit of a layup considering we already knew Heather — a 23-year-old woman — had never been kissed. But, wow. For clarification up front, Heather has said that this wasn’t a choice that she’s made where she’s not kissing anyone until her wedding. Just ... hadn’t found the right frog to turn into a prince, I guess.

“I kind of dated casually, but not really,” Heather said of her high school days in the most confusing, unspecific statement.

She continues to say that when she was in college, she dated a guy for eight months. Reminder ... never been kissed. Like, OK, you make your choices, I get that. I respect the hell out of that. But how does that happen in college? She tells the story as though she just didn’t see herself with the guy and didn’t really like the guy, but her friends kind of encouraged her to keep giving it a shot. That’s even weirder. If you’re not making out with dudes because of a moral stance, got it, but if you’re not sure if you like the guy enough to KISS him, why are you spending eight months of your life on that?! How does that last for EIGHT months?

I guess the part that stands out the most is the fact that she’s known Colton for approximately a month, spent maybe three days with him, is competing with MULTIPLE other women, but is certain she’s ready to kiss him.

And kiss they did. Heather’s first kiss came on a beautiful beach in Thailand as fireworks went off, so that’s probably better than bumping teeth with some boy in the basement of your friend’s house at your first boy-girl party.

Well played, Heather.

Worst Understanding of What This All Is: Elyse

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE SHOW?

Elyse, struggling mightily with sharing her man with the other ladies, pays Colton a visit after he got back from his date with Heather. They chat in his villa, with her saying she wants the time and attention of a real relationship. But...it’s not a real relationship; it’s a competition dating show, where the prize is Colton. I’m not sure what she expected.

This is just infuriating at this point. Also, the editors made it look like she went to his place and they had sexy time, so well done, editors.

Me, to Elyse:

Elyse headed home in her way-too-gorgeous-dress-to-go-dump-someone-in, and poor Colton freaks out, thinking that this might be a precursor to the end of the show. What if he proposes but the woman he chooses isn’t ready?

Worst Date (Part 3): Jungle trip

LISTEN, BACHELOR. First, there was the group workout date. Last week, they brought out leeches. LEECHES, Y’ALL. This week? Nicole stuck her hand in a goddamn hole and pulled an eel out. This is exactly the moment I think they were referring to when the phrase, “I literally can’t even” was coined because, y’all, I literally can’t even.

To add to it, they had to eat grubs, and there was a snake, and NOPE.

BRB, trying to get the image of Nicole holding the eel out of my head.

Episode MVPs: Demi, Hannah, and Hannah

YES, LADIES. YES. As my uncle always used to say, You ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’. Instead of battling the elements and digging up grubs, Demi and the Hannahs take the open-air jeep back to the hotel and just enjoy some drinks.

They brought champagne and burgers back, and they’re legends. They lost the mini-competition, but they’re goddamn legends.

Riskiest Choice: Onyeka tattling on Nicole

Look, Demi pulled it off earlier this season, but it’s nearly impossible to rat on another competitor for being in the house for the “wrong reasons” and come out smelling like roses. According to Onyeka, Elyse spilled some dirt on Nicole and her intentions before throwing up the deuces and rolling out.

Apparently, Nicole said she’s on the show because she’s looking for opportunities that will help her leave Miami.

Colton grabs Nicole to chat, confronting her with the newfound information. Mad respect to everyone this season for sharing their sources as Colton tells her that Onyeka tattled. Nicole is taken aback and promises that’s not remotely close to the truth, but it’s clear this information coming on the heels of Elyse leaving has rattled our sweet Bachelor.

Back in the group, Onyeka tells the other ladies what she shared with Colton. Tayshia was apparently in the room for the conversation ... and that’s not what was said. Turns out, Nicole only said that you have to take opportunities when they arise.

Wooooooweeeee. Maybe ask the woman in question next time.

Worst New Beef: Nicole and Onyeka

To continue on the above, NEW BEEF! This one stinks, if we’re being honest.

Beefs this season, ranked:

1. Demi vs. Courtney
2. Caelynn vs. Hannah B.
3. Onyeka vs. Nicole

Rather than apologize profusely and clear everything up, Onyeka maintains she wasn’t spreading rumors (just sharing what she was told!), and that Nicole isn’t a good fit anyway because she cries all the time. Lol, what?

At the cocktail party, Nicole turns the tables, telling Colton that Onyeka has been bullying and belittling her from the get-go. When Colton confronts Onyeka, she scoffs as he says “you don’t let her speak,” which, not the best reaction honestly.

This is all very exhausting, but the way to show that you’re not a bully is probably not to go immediately start talking down to that person and making them cry. It got so out of hand that they were yelling at each other within earshot of him, leading to Colton having to go over there and try and diffuse the situation.

BUT THEY DON’T STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER.

I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure the way to impress a guy you like isn’t to bicker with another woman loudly in front of him.

Best Couple Ever: Colton and Cassie

Look, y’all know this is a Cassie appreciation blog. Our queen FINALLY got the screen time she deserves, and Colton took her to a private island (which, had no trees and just two pieces of driftwood). I guess that’s, cool? I mean, a tree would be great, but all they’re doing is making out, so whatever.

Even the other women know they’re perfect together.

Colton and Cassie made out on the boat to the island, on the island, and in the water around the island. Look at these smitten kittens:

During the night portion of the date, she opens the conversation about her sexual history because while he’s a virgin, she’s not and wants to address it. Colton says he owns who he is, and that he’d never ask her to be someone that she isn’t. Cassie’s concern over her extended family finding out that she’s not a virgin somehow makes her even more endearing.

They end up in bed together (?!), where they make out more but things stay PG-13. She obviously gets rose, because DUH.

Best Facial Expression: Caelynn

Nonsense drama was unfolding as Onyeka is yelling at Nicole, but thank goodness for Caelynn and her perfect facial expressions:

Demi Quote of the Week

“This is really, really awkward.” —Demi, clearly enjoying the awkward. (It was a quiet weekend for my quote queen.)

Gone Too Soon

WE DON’T KNOW. THERE WAS NO ROSE CEREMONY!